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Monday, 19 January 2009

Frustration In Speech

I despise the moments when everything, except what I want to say, is all I can say. I hate the moments that I am later obsessing about; wishing I would have said what I meant. You stand there going over all the words youve practiced before. But in the end, a meer sentence of the hundred you thought of comes out. Fear of letting that person know how you truely feel seems to find strength to reign over the need to let it all out.

Sometimes, when theres so much to say, youre scared to say it. Scared to say what you wish they would hear, wish they would know, wish they would figure out for themselves. You prey to the gods that that person gets the idea just by mention of topic.

But sometimes, there is just enough passion in what manages to come out, enough passion in your eyes, enough passion in your stance, that they figure out what it is your trying to say. Those moments give all the others justice.

This piece was inspired by "All The Words I Couldnt Whisper", posted by AWritersCourage.

Friday, 09 January 2009

The Witching Hour

I've heard that at night, when the stars are up and the sun is replaced by the moon, those who cant tolerate light come out to venture the world we choose to leave vacant. Werewolves, vampires, bats, and opossums even. I say that something else comes out. Something even more vile than those who feast on humans.

Laying in my bad late one night, unable to sleep, I realized that the scary things that come out at night are our thoughts. It seems that my entire perception, the way I look at my life, changes. Changes into negative, changes into a dull shade of gray. Everything that I might have thought earlier that day doesn't matter. I see faults in every relation I have. I see faults in the way I do things. These faults, like the werewolves and vampires and even the opossums, don't tolerate the light; they thrive in the shadow made by the moon.

And I blame the night. The night allows silence, and silence allows thought.

Thursday, 08 January 2009

Music, A Wonder.

Its amazing how music attaches itself to moments. How it grips to every person, every color, every sense, every feeling and thought. As you press play, you are transported back in time. A meer riff can produce a once-felt heartache, pleasure, a once-felt solitude. You can be overjoyed, then hear the theme of a lost lover, and fall to sadness. Music feuls every situation, every moment. Music gives our lives personality.

When life's a bitch and everyone's against you, music stays. Music allows you to change its personality to fit your need. Music cant leave. Music isnt deicetful and music doesnt say the wrong things when your sad. Music doesnt cheat, steal, or lie. Music doesnt yell at you, and cant abuse you. Music is something in your life that you can control; music is constant. Music is always there.

Music is like a dog. Except music doesnt drool on you and ruin your things. You dont have to feed or wash or train music. Music doesnt bark, music doesnt pee on your favorite rug. Music doesnt get hair all over your best blouse or go through your underwear drawer. You cant be allergic to music. You dont have to worry about your music running away. Music doesnt obide by one person over the rest. Music doesnt make your house smelly and doesnt steal food from your plate. Forget dogs; Music is man's best friend.
[This last paragraph is writen for my friend Jade, who recently lost her dog. It was suppose to help her feel better. (: ]

Tuesday, 06 January 2009

Hope For Us?

I hope you will all be proud for me in knowing that I talked to Robbie last night. About part of it anyway,

Well something (something as in him, the way he was acting. Longish story?) was bothering me all day yesterday. He finally noticed around 5:30 and questioned me on it for like three and half hours (no lie). I finally gave in, after a long and quite tearful battle.

Robbie: Please. Baby. Trust me. I will not tell anyone [like last time]. I know this is probably why youre only replying with one word. Somethings bothering you, please tell me.
Me: Its just like, do you ever feel theres something missing between us.? Like theres something we dont have?
Robbie: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No.
Robbie: Like what then?
Me: Like, when Annie was over for New Year's, I realized she knows more about you than I do. And it made me see that I know nothing about you. Simples interests, nothing. Its like all we do when were together is physical stuff. And I dont like it. We have no sweetness anymore. [which yes, I know I realized it before New Years Eve.]
Robbie: I dont like it either. I just wanna talk to you. Have fun, hangout. I would love that.
Me: Yeah, me too.
Robbie: Call me if you can.
Me: I dont like talking about this stuff over the phone.
Robbie: Please... Nevermind I wont force you. If texting is what you want then thats fine.
Me: Okay, thank you.
Robbie: Well I have an idea then. Because I completely agree.
Me: Okay
Robbie: What if we--we as in myself, bigtime--controlled ourselves. And tried not to make out all the time. Like see a movie, watch it, cuddle. Just no making out.
Me: Thats fine with me. Thats all Ive ever wanted.
Robbie: And anywhere we go in general. Like your house, my house. Anywhere. Just hangout, talk, and have a great time. I am more than fine with that. I didnt think thats what you wanted.
Me: Yeah. it was.
Robbie: Good. I just, I just remember you saying that I shouldnt hesitate if I want to kiss you.But I am completely fine with that baby. That sounds really nice.
Me:Oh, yeah.
Robbie: But now that I know. I can hold myself back. I dont care about our kisses. Or making out or any physical contact. Though it can be fun. Just it should be that all the time.
Me: Yeah,
Robbie: I love you baby. Thats all I care about. None of the physical stuff. Maybe eskimo kisses a little though. (:
Me: (: I love you too.

Yay for us! Or me,? I feel like a huge boulder has been liften off me. I must be honest with you, mid-afternoon yesterday, I had serious thoughts of breaking up with Robbie [I was even writing break-up poems, which I have never in my life done]. But I really wanted to salvage our relationship. I did not want to give up this time.

The only negative now is that its like were starting over. Later in the conversation, which you would have seen had I finished it, we decided to get to know each other a little better. He suggested we play 20 questions; I accepted, reluctantly [I hate that game. I would much rather get to know him naturally, not forced. But at least he wants to help our relationship, too]. But as I was saying, I feel like Im not going out with him. I feel like we're in the pre-relationship stage. I mean, we are almost three and a half months in, I should know him alot better than I do now.

This morning, before classes started, we were standing in a large circle with our friends in our schools commons, and he didnt even hold my hand. It made me kind of sad. But I guess you have to do what you have to do, and for now, what I have to do is revisit Kindergarten...

Monday, 05 January 2009

Deja Vu

Pushing doubt. It's hard, I try.
My lips are sealed. Head hurts, I cry.
Im not around. But then, she's there.
All in sight. Time spent, no fair.
Teasing, talking,
Touching, walking.
Jokes, stories, history.
With a person so close; It's blasphemy.
Trying to believe. I cant, eyes meet.
Wanting to win. No comfort, cant speak.

Sunday, 04 January 2009

"The Girls": A Positive Review

The Girls,
by Lori Lansens

In dire need of a book, I was strolling through my school's library when I came a across The Girls. Im not sure what caught my attention at that moment, but it in no way caused later disapointment.

I have never looked into my sister's eyes. I have nver bathed alone. I have never stood in the grass at night and raised my arms to a beguiling moon. I've never used an airplane bathroom. Or worn a hat. Or been kissed like that. I've never driven a car. Or slept through the night. Never a private talk. Or solo walk. I've never climbed a tree. Or faded into a crowd. So many things I've never done, but oh, I've been loved. And, if such things were to be, I'd live a thousand lives as me, to be loved so exponentially.
- The Girls, page 1.

The story is about a pair of craniopagus twins (twins joined at the head). The more bookish of the two, Rose, makes the decision to record their entire life and put it into a book (that may or may not be read). With the occasional input of her sister Ruby, you are told countless stories of the struggles and lessons they have learned through their situation. We are taken through a time machine, hearing every relevent and irrelevant story that comes to their mind as they write. From their awkward first steps--Ruby's arm curled around Rose's neck, her foreshortened legs wrapped around Rose's hips-- to the friendships they gradually build for themselves in the small town of Leaford, this is the profoundly affecting chronicle of an incomparable life journey.As Rose and Ruby's story builds to an unforgettable conclusion, Lansens aims at the heart of human experience--the hardship of loss and struggles for independence, and the fundamental joy of simply living a life.

What I loved most about this book is the blunt, frankness of the depiction. Im not sure how to explain it, but they both have
very bold ways of explaining situations. They leave out no detail; it makes it more believable.

The only problem I had with this book was that it seemed to take forever for me to read. Being only 343 pages long, I never thought it would take me a month to finish. So I give it 4.5 stars, (:
Final Entry: Of My First Storybook

Before reading this, I think I should warn you that my thoughts were pretty scattered, so this part is a tad bit random.

Not to totally hate on Robbie but, but it seems that I just noticed, that I dont think he is very conscious of his environment. Exhibit A: He's a "dork". (I dont know how else to describe it) And he really didnt used to be like that. Last year he was so cool and collected. Im either seeing him in a different way, or summer really changed him. He's just. Okay. Its winter, below freezing. He goes out with out his jacket, like a moron, in a short sleeve shirt. His attire is accompanied by this awful red, fleece scarf. Thats it! And Santa hats?! Was he trippin?! I took it off of him, the couple times he wore it.

Okay, I hate being a total fashion Nazi/ totally shallow asshole, but I take pride in how Im portrayed to the outside world (not that I, have I ever, cared what people thought of me. The way you keep yourself is the first thing seen by people, and you dont want to scare them off before they get a chance to know you), and its hard to maintain a look of confidence when your sporting a short, red fleece scarf. Dont get me wrong, I beg you. Robbie's a cutie. GreenBlue eyes, tan, hair cut shirt with longer bangs placed to the side, skinny, great abs, tall, good teeth. Its his accessory choice and mannerisms. [I sound like a shallow bitch.]

We have passion, we connect. I love kissing him, my hand searches for his when he's near. I smell him on me when I havent seen him in a while. I dont know what to do though. I dont know if I should wait for all this to go away. Or if I should talk to him about it. It seems that Im finding him less attractive every day. Wanting to talk to him less. Wanting to do more things without him. He notices my remorse.

My friends always come to me for advice, apparently I give out the best. And if one of my friends came to me with an exact replica of the problem Im having, I know almost exactly what I would tell my friend. I would advise them to have a nice long conversation about whats going inside their head, with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Get everything off their chest and take it from there. And if things didnt get much better, I would tell them that they would need a break (and no, this is not a biased opinion since I am ultimately talking about my situation). I would tell them they need some fresh air, they need to relax, and do what they want, not them plus one.

I think I want a fairytale. Lately, Ive been watching all these different movies. All of them seem to have something to do with relationships or futures, life ultimately. I then, stupidly, compare my life to the movies I watch. Maybe thats my problem, I should be watching less television. I did though, find some inspiration. In watching The Jane Austen Book Club, I discovered a book called Persuasion. Its about a man and a woman, that once loved each other, but dont anymore. The book is about them persuading themselves to try again. I havent yet read it, but I have full intentions on doing so, but I think thats what I need to do, try again with Robbie. What do you think?

The End,
for now (:

Friday, 02 January 2009

Part Three: Of My First Storybook.

I know he cares about me. But sometimes, I feel like he cares more about being with me physically, than being with me mentally, you know? Like he cares more about us being together than me, just as being me, reguadless of our relationship. Now that I really think on it, weren't the very closest of friends, though we thought of each other as "best friends". The reality of situation is that the titles were given merely because of our secret crushes on each other. At least, thats what I think. We didnt share much. I was though, his therapist throughout his hellacious realtionship with his ex, Shelby(I actually soon became her therapist aswell).

I dont think he really takes interest in what fascinates me. He doesnt put much effort into picking my brain. I like to think of myself as intellegent, and I have alot to say. I dont get to talk about stuff with him though. Ill try to talk about something of interest, and he manages to turn the conversation around simply by saying "Youre so cute". Its a rotten habit now, pure instinct of mine now, responding by saying "No Im not". Apparently, this "turns him on", which sucks. I cant have an actual conversation with him. We're together, he wants to make-out. On the phone, he wants to talk about us making out, how hot our last make-out session was, or how badly he wants me there with him, so we can make out.

I cant change him. I think this is just how he is. Maybe its his age. He's approaching 17 within a matter of days. Maybe what our parents tell us is true, about boys. Hormones flying everywhere and what-not. I dont know. It doesnt seem like guys in couples in our group of friends are like this. Things with them, like, they seem so sweet and cute with their girl. Maybe its because I dont see what happens "behind closed doors". Like how people dont know what happens between me and Robbie. Everyone has always thought of us as perfect. And sometimes its like their faith in us keeps me going in this relationship. As if I dont want to disappoint them or something. Or theres something that we--scratch that--I, dont see.

Robbie's a great guy. Hes alot like me actually. Very non-confrontational. Goes with the flow. Doesnt do drugs, smoke, or drink. And he can really be great to talk to, if you enjoy the small talk kind of thing. My family absoloutely adores him (as his family does me). We just have this super strong connection. We trust each other dearly. I picture us as a cartoon, and we're joined by this kind of glue at our torsos. I know that we, lovers or not, will be together forever. Always there for each other. Im just not sure is we'll be together in an in-love kind of situation.

Thursday, 01 January 2009

Part Two: To My First Storybook

Im having another craving for airports. And Im having that feeling again. The one where you are stuck in the wrong era, the wrong decade. This time, I truely belong in the depression-era South. Im watching Fried Green Tomatoes, if that makes sense of anything.

Sometimes me and Robbie have just the sweetest moments. The other night, we were sitting on his bed. I had my legs crossed over his, and we exchanged little kisses. It was cute. Like a subtle sexy. That the best I think, romantic-like. But most times, it's not sublte. He gets so worked up. It's not sweet, and I go home feeling filthy and polluted. I dont like it. I dont like it when I have to fall asleep, forcing myself to think of something else, because Im so disgusted with the thoughts of the boy I usually fall asleep to. He used to be sweet. Why isnt he now?
We're only 3 months in. It should be sweet still right? Am I such a relationship virgin?! I feel like a fish out of water.

When I used to think of being in a relationship, I had the idea that Id be in charge. Still independent. I never thought I'd lose that. Robbie is so persuasive. He makes me feel bad for stupid things like not going to see him during lunch, or not getting my phone charger so we can talk longer on the phone. (Aside: Which shows an ultimate difference between us. Ive never really been into all the small sappy stuff of a relationship. Like going to their house to see them before they leave town for a week, or staying up all night to talk to them on the phone. I dont see the inportance of it, unless this person was leaving for a month, or you were having an actual conversation about something.)

It makes me kind of scared of the future, what he'll try to get me to do next. I'll say no, if needed, but Ill feel bad, and Id find him less attractive. I feel like he wants to have sex really bad. But we are not going to. For a long time. If ever, depending on if we're actually together in like, four, five years. I notice things are sweeter, slower, more innocent when Im in charge. Things get messy when he's in control. More aggressive. I dont know why it bothers me. A mix, couldnt be bad right? Sometimes I even blame myself for his "behavior". I could really see how Im at fault. I never slowed him down or stopped him as he moved further with some things. For all he knows, Im fine with everything.

I mean, whats wrong with a couple simply sitting together, hand-in-hand, in a theatre? I dont think there's anything wrong with it. I think it shows maturity, control. Like a Jane Austen book, Which Im all about. Now, Im just giving into the typical teen cliche. Ive always dispised the idea of making out in theatres. It's so public. Im either on display, or, like I said, another example of the teen-relationship cliche. I cant tell him not to kiss me. I wish he would just think like I do. Save some stuff for when 100 people arent around...

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Part One: Of My First Storybook

If you would please keep in mind that this is stright out of my diary, and not-so-much in "story-form".

I need to travel. I need to be put on my path to self-discovery. I feel so lost. I had plans for my love life, for myself, before Robbie. I was supposed to be swept off my feet, feel romance in every way its given. I love Robbie. He's amazing. I dont know if I could be with any other person. Robbie wasnt pulled out of Shakespeare though. I wasnt swept off my feet. I haven't felt it yet. I tell him I'll be with him forever. I could see it happening, apparently every other soul that's seen us together can too. But I dont know that I mean it. I dont want to hurt him. Im not used to being part of a relationship. I hardly had any padding for this one. I feel tied down. Ive lost my creativity. I havent written a good peice in months. It actually makes me ashamed to have my journal on my {Myspace} profile. Robbie is so perfect. I feel it was funner flirting though. Always keeping my crush on him a secret. I dont know why. Im in deep over my head. Its getting kinda serious.

Im too young to have found him. I always thought these "HighSchool Sweethearts" were cute, in a sort of crazy kinda way. I just cant imagine staying with one person forever. Call me what you will, I would like to have experiences with other guys, guys not like Robbie, guys kinda like Robbie. Im an adventurer, see what I mean?

I hate being sneaky and lying. Even though all we're doing is making out, we have to hide it. And Ive never been much for invisibility. Say we met for the first time, in about 5 years. Im twenty. No, I meet him in 7 years, Im 22. We meet in a quaint little cafe, he sweeps me off my feet, we share our interests over coffee. I dont see him for a couple days, until we meet again in some store. After that, we're inseperable. His apartment, my apartment. Walking the streets of New York City, sharing our entire life, desires, hopeful futures. After a while, I take him to meet my parents. I can actually show him affection in front of them.

Its 3 in the morning , Im reminded of a North Carolina beach house. Summers are such, pure joy. Up until four, editing pictures, listening to Duffy, and sipping coffee. Peace of mind offers a type of eutopia. To be so close to the ocean that you can hear the waves as you sleep at night...

I want the opprotunity to re-fallinlove with Robbie. I want to go out, and be the old me for a bit. And when the time is right for us, I want to be swept off my feet. I know he can do it, he's just never had the chance. We had a very strong friendship before this.

What if Im not supposed to be with Robbie? I mean, I have always pictured myself being with a big man. Not over-weight, but tall and built. Robbie is scrawny. It works for him, he's adorable. Ive thought so since the day I laid eyes on him. But what if this is strictly teenage love? Nothing less, nothing more. What if we have a graceful breakup, remaining friends to the end? And when Im in my young twenties, I meet someone else? After my journey through romances, of course (: I meet him, and we're together forever. That thought breaks my heart. Me and Robbie are suppossed to be together until we're 150 years old. We've said it many times. Am I rewriting my future love life? Why am I planning everything?!?!?